10 Weird Penis Stories From Our Animal Friends

The world is composed of different species – humans, aliens, non-living things, and yes, animals are included. Even if these two, three, four or even eight or more legged creatures are way different from humans, there will always be similarities in terms of certain characteristics.

No, it’s not just about the five senses here. Believe it or not, animals and men have similarities in many ways you can’t imagine. Let’s start with the penis.

Okay. Before you giggle and think that animals don’t have penises, or whatever you want to call their sex organs, then it only means one thing: you were not listening well during science class. Believe it or not, animals have penises too, way bigger than any man who stepped on this planet. Some are detachable, while some are, well, massive is even an understatement.

Take a look at the following penis stories going around in the animal kingdom.

1. The Elephant’s Fifth Leg

elephantIt is common knowledge that elephants have massive genitals. It makes sense since Dumbo and company are the largest mammals on land, right?

Did you know that behind those gigantic features, elephants have malformed legs, which is actually their, uhh, dick?

No one’s making fun of elephants here but seriously, its penis is both massive and prehensile.

It is also hard enough to get an animal in right position for sex. Apparently, an elephant’s penis is not only for procreation purposes. It turns out that they used their penis to prop themselves up, scratch themselves on the stomach, and even swat flies from its side.

Another thing. It may be difficult to maintain a rhythmic thrusting in such a large animal, so yes, the elephant’s penis is doing the work for him.

2. The Freakishly Endowed Barnicle

BarnicleA lot of guys pray for massive penises. After all, it’s a man’s crowning glory, isn’t it?

It’s no wonder that some dudes are willing to go the extra mile just to add a few centimeters to their man down there.

Well, not for barnacles.

According to experts, barnacles have the largest proportional penis in this universe, they can have orgies for as long as they like. And by largest, this means their penises are eight times the length of their body, which means you can even play jump rope with your girlfriend and her friends while the barnacles are busy doing their thing. But that’s not the only thing that makes these creatures special.

Barnacles can’t move a day in their life, so they prefer living on the hull of the ship, so they can travel the world for free. Since they can’t move, barnacles lump together in colonies and mate with anyone around them. Talk about killing time, don’t you think?

3. Argonauts And Their Detachable Penises

Okay, this one is quite funny. Can you even imagine removing your penis from your body and stick it in a girl’s thing, while you are busy working on the other side of the table?

It may sound freakishly weird, but that’s how Argonauts and their detachable penises roll.

Well, it works pretty simple. An argonaut’s penis has its own tail, so it can swim to the female species without the dude even bothering to say hi or what’s your name. So yes, the tail is having fun, while the Argonaut itself is busy doing its own thing.

Even weirder, scientists thought that an Argonaut tail is a parasitic worm until they realized that it swims back to its master and voila, it really is a detachable penis.

4. Ducks As Sexual Offenders

DuckIf the rape law was applicable to animals, then tons of ducks might be in jail right now.

Ducks may look like innocent creatures that hang out in the water as a team, but beneath that innocent look is a creature waiting to strike.

They may not have a penis as big as the barnacle or as hard as the elephant, but the placement of its genitals enable them to swim right up to its possible mate and have sex with her without even asking first.

Yes, at least one-third of duck sex is forced, which is made possible by its whip-like penis. Because of this, female ducks have started to build their own vaginal defenses, just in case some duck decided to whip them and force them to have sex. Still, you have to commend the dudes, because despite these vaginal defenses, ducks still exist even up to this date.

5. Flatworm’s Dagger Penis

They may be small and useless to many. Did you know that a flatworm has a unique penis that can put yours to shame?

Okay, no pun intended here. It turns out that a flatworm’s penis is not just for sexual purposes, but also for hunting and even self-defense. And yes, it even has a penis inside his mouth that is so hard, it can kill.

The problem with flatworm’s penis is that it is difficult to draw a line whether they are having sex or simply fighting for their lives, or even both. So, yes, it’s pretty much a winner take all type of game, while the other one is dead.

6. The Bean Weevil And Its Destructive Penis

Bean Weevil

Photo by Walker, K./ CC BY

Sex is supposed to be fun and pleasurable. To help you with that quest, several tools were developed to increase pleasure down there and intensify orgasms, including textured condoms.

Well, not for bean weevils. Aside from being a funny-looking creature, this type of beetle has developed a not-so-pleasurable device where they can deliver their sperm to a female vagina.

That’s not all. Its penis has sharp and hard spikes, which can scar a female beetle’s reproductive tract and result in traumatic insemination.

In other words, once a beetle finds its mate and gets her pregnant, the female beetle will no longer have sex with anyone. Instead, they will just focus on raising their fertilized eggs because of the injury she sustains – and she doesn’t want that to happen again.

So yes, a female bean weevil is also the ultimate rape victim of the animal land.

7. The Python’s Hemipenis

You know what they say, two heads are better than one. It makes work faster, more efficient and equally productive, assuming the other head is as efficient as you are.

Have you ever wondered what if men have two penises? At least there is no need for a dildo on another hole, don’t you think? Well, that is not a problem for pythons.

Snakes have a Y-shaped hemipenis, which means during sex, it alternates one organ with the other. In case the python is tired of using one organ, it doesn’t bother him much, since he has another organ to abuse. And yes, these penises are hooked, grooved or spined to grip the walls of the female’s opening, also known as cloaca, and keep her from running away.

8. Echidna And Its Four-Headed Penis

Not one, not two, not three, but four penises. Can you imagine that?

And believe it or not, there is one lucky creature with four penises that can work together while mating, and it goes by the name echidna.

Echidna is a small egg-laying mammal with four heads on its organs.

During mating process, two heads shut down while the remaining two release semen into the female’s reproductive tract. Once the two are tired, the other two will get into action.

Apparently, the echidna needs all four heads to be able to finish its mission successfully. Can you just imagine how long the mating process takes?

9. The Mekong Delta’s Penis On The Head

Picture this: what if you can just grab a girl, kiss her for as long as you want and nine months after, she’s pregnant. Weird, isn’t it? And for sure, no dude would want to kiss a girl unless she is the one.

Well, that’s what happens when a creature has a penis on its head. We present exhibit A – the Mekong Delta, a river fish found in Vietnam.

Most animals have their penises close to their tail ends or somewhere less vulgar. Apparently, in Phallostethus culling’s case, its penis is out there, at its head and shoots out under its throat. Hence, it has a unique ability to grab a female with its mouth and have sex with her at the same time. Hmmm.

10. The Dolphin’s Retractable Dude

When it comes to weird penis stories, dolphins deserve a spot on the list. Yes, they are good-natured, human-loving creatures that can make you clap every time they flip in the air. Did you know it has one of the most fascinating tools? By tools, this means their penis.

dolphinFirst, it is retractable. It can swivel around, so it can hump other animals. In fact, they have the most ravenous sex appetite that you would often see them humping inanimate objects and other non-dolphin animals.

Second, they use their penises to feel other objects. If humans use hands to do this, well, dolphins use their penises.

Still, don’t you just love them every time they do a show in Animal World or Ocean Adventures?

Every creature in this planet is indeed fascinating. What do you think? Would you rather have two or four penis heads and the ability to detach it, or you’ll stick to your God-given gift? The choice is yours.

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